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Eli Porter

I remember when I was first introduced to this video. It’s not on some “I remember the day JFK got merked” shit, but in the realm of Hip-Hop Internet memes, Eli Porter is a don.

What’s most interesting about this is the idea that Eli probably has some kind of problem, be it mental, physical or whatever, but he laced this cat who swore his swagger was so fresh; he even drops a line, suggesting that Eli stop rappin’ and stick to “walkin’ cripple”. I like to think that this set Eli off in his mental mind like, “oh, OK, this black, closeted homosexual, swaggtastic faggot is going to take it THERE?!?!” And he let loose…

“I got one question, mayne, tell me who next“: it’s kind of bananas that this nigga dissed the shit out of dude from the gate. He essentially said “yo, I’m done with this cat before I even started – who’s my next opponent”. He then proceeds to call this nigga soft, and actually uses the word “nigga”, which is apparently a no-no in the high school lunchtime rap battle circuit. Then we hear the ultimate line:

“See I’m the best, mayne… I did it“: One can look at this as a fuck up of the cut, with Eli losing his way mid-rhyme, but naw. Dude was shining the light for all of those disabled MCs out there (Lil’ Wayne included), letting you all know that hey, I overcame my disability to showcase my ability. I deed it.

“See I’mma let you know who the best, by the hour/it’s like Rosie O’Donnell at a bisexual bridal shower/it ain’t nuttin’ to me, mayne, I keep it forreal…“: This is a prime example of Eli’s dynamic, stream of conciousness flow. First, he will not only let you know who the best is, but he will be giving out hourly updates, although I imagine all roads will point… where? Eli Porter Blvd. The next line is the clincher, the one that let’s you know that this nigga is not to be tested. What exactly is a bisexual bridal shower? Is that a bridal shower that will fuck bridal showers of any sex, or is this a bridal shower specifically for bisexuals? And what does Rosie O’Donnell have to do with any of this – is that to say that in the kingdom of bisexual bridal showers, having Rosie there is kind of like having Bishop Don Magic Juan at your pimp convention – official? The deep shit is, once he spits that amazing lyric, he let’s you know that, hey, it ain’t nuttin’ anyways, because I stay keepin’ it for real. He let you sink into the rabbit hole in your mind, trying to catch up with the bars flying past you, and personally brings you back to the present, letting you know in a single line that his G is too futuristic.

“see, I’m da bess, I toldja that/this dude like that, he ran from tha cat/nah, I messed up but I’mma stay on top/they told me man, but you know, I’m neva gon’ flop“: Straight fire. He essentially called Envy worse than pussy, considering that he ran from a pussycat. I wonder what the real line would have been, seeing as he messed up, but he is right: he stays on top, even in his mistakes.

“Look at this dude, he need to stay in the shade/no wonder why he came out, he already in the GAY parade!“: More lyrical fire. You like how he worked in a line about how black Envy is (that nigga is mad dark chocolate burned in the oven), but weaves a line about Envy’s sexual orientation into that. Did you miss it? Obivously, Envy has been in the sun, getting his skin burnt to a crisp, while he should’ve stayed in the shade to stop the Cajun-crisp. The thing is, its no wonder he came out of the shade… he had to join the GAY PARADE! Eli, you are the dude for that venom.

“So you stepped down, off the pedastal/I’m the best mayne, you need to go to the fuckin’ de-toe (???)“: This line always confused me, just for the fact that I don’t know what the fuck he meant. What’s a de-toe? Did he really say de-toe? Thing of it is, do I need to understand all of what Ghostface or Kool Keith say to get into their lyrics? Hell to the naw! What I thought is funny is, I guess they cut the music because of Eli’s curse (which he tried to cover with his “I said freakin’” lie, but we know Eli, we know). Damn shame, makes me wonder what couplets he’d drop next, but also adds to the mystery.

In the end, the last year has been funny with nigga memes. Tay Zonday was the clown prince with “Chocolate Rain”, but he jumped the shark when he started smiling and joking. It’s like this nigga didn’t realize that what made his shit funny was that air of “this is real talk, I’m really singing this and I think I’m the shit”. His post-Dr. Pepper material has been on some tongue-in-cheek, “I get the joke” fodder, which just lost the plot. The VP of nigga memes is Latarian Milton, who lives in infamy every weekday on Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg’s show, but will Tari still be so factual and real when he’s, like, 15? I doubt it – his genuine nature will be lost once he hits puberty. Eli is the enigma, for no one knows where the FUCK Eli is! His battle was done in 2003, and he sort of vanished, leaving legions of fans wanting more. I hearby request you hacker ass, research nerd types to find this nigga, give him my info (khaldub@gmail.com) and let him know we need an interview, at the least. Let him know real niggas respect his shit, and want to hear more from the god.

He’s da bess, mayne.